Category Archives: Random Thoughts

What I Think of Late at Night

I’ve not written in a long time.  It’s a combination of things; busyness, different focus, just life.  But last night I was up in the night and I thought about some things that I wanted to write down.

Last night, at 3:00 am my three year old son came into my room with a bloody nose.  This is not totally surprising, he’s been sick and tends to get nose bleeds when he’s had a cold.  He’d also had two during the day so it was obvious he’s got a tender spot inside his nose right now.

He doesn’t do well with bloody noses.  He fights and kicks and tries to escape.  He HATES it when I hold his nose.   Being tired, he fought more, and he already had blood on his face and his hands when I picked him up.  I got his blood all over me. I looked in the mirror as I was rocking my crying child, with his blood streaked all over me, knowing he would be fine.  In that moment I felt so much for all the mothers out there in the world right now who are rocking their child, knowing they won’t be fine.

In the wake of this weeks flooding in Houston I’ve been tender in my heart for the suffering of others.  Holding my child, late at night, made that even more so.  I thought about how blessed I have been.  In the wake of illnesses, that could have taken the life of my children at different times, I didn’t always see that.  Those were times of fear.  There were times that I didn’t always see, in the moment, what the Lord was trying to teach me in the midst of those experiences.  He was trying to take the difficult thing and use them to grow empathy in my heart.

As I rocked my son I prayed for the women who were holding their children above flood waters, those who are sitting by hospital beds, those who are sitting by graves.  I felt and I know that the Lord loves each one of them.

The Lord does not make bad things happen in this world, but he can make us into something great from those terrible events in our lives.  Use your love and your hands to help that come to pass for yourself and for others.  If there is little else you can do pray, pray for those mothers and children.  If you cannot open your home or your wallet, open your heart.  Reach out in love.  What you can do is enough.

The bleeding stopped, my son went back to sleep.  I watched him for a while, thinking about all the other mothers, wanting to hug and rock them as I had rocked my son.  Writing this is my small way of doing that.

If you need a hug I’m sending you one.  If you need someone to rock you, I’m here rocking you.  If you need someone to whisper in your ear that it will a be okay in the end, I’m doing that.  If you need love, you’ve got mine.  If you don’t need it now, carry this message with you until you do.  Because we all do at some time.

You are not alone.

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Birthday Song!

Well, I’ve finally picked a birthday song.  I thought of this one a LONG time ago but I was hoping to find one that was a little easier to explain why I chose it, and a little less personal, but I’ve not found one so here we go.

The Script – Superheroes

I know parts of this song sound super depressing but to me they are not, they have hope.  What it means to me is that all the challenges in my life (not that I’ve had a super hard life) are things that have and that will make me grow and be stronger.  I particularly think about this song in the context of my depression.  The fight against it has taught me so much, has made me more understanding and has given me more compassion.  Fighting it has made me stronger.

When you win these kind of battles it teaches you to fly.  Some days I fly.  Some days, you fly too.

“Superheroes”

All her life she has seen
All the meaner side of me
They took away the prophet’s dream for a profit on the street

Now she’s stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow

All his life he’s been told
He’ll be nothing when he’s old
All the kicks and all the blows
He won’t ever let it show

‘Cause he’s stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow

When you’ve been fighting for it all your life
You’ve been struggling to make things right
That’s how a superhero learns to fly
(Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power)

When you’ve been fighting for it all your life
You’ve been working every day and night
That’s how a superhero learns to fly
(Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power)

All the hurt, all the lies
All the tears that they cry
When the moment is just right
You see fire in their eyes

‘Cause he’s stronger than you know
A heart of steel starts to grow

When you’ve been fighting for it all your life
You’ve been struggling to make things right
That’s how a superhero learns to fly
Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power

When you’ve been fighting for it all your life
You’ve been working every day and night
That’s how a superhero learns to fly

(Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power)

(Power, power, power, power, power)
(Power, power, power, power, power)

(Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power)

(Power, power, power, power, power)
(Power, power, power, power, power)

(Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power)

She’s got lions in her heart
A fire in her soul
He’s got a beast in his belly
That’s so hard to control
‘Cause they’ve taken too much hits
Taking blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode

She’s got lions in her heart
A fire in her soul
He’s a got a beast in his belly
That’s so hard to control
‘Cause they’ve taken too much hits
Taking blow by blow
Now light a match, stand back, watch them explode, explode, explode, explode

When you’ve been fighting for it all your life
You’ve been struggling to make things right
That’s how a superhero learns to fly

(Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power)

When you’ve been fighting for it all your life
You’ve been working every day and night
That’s how a superhero learns to fly

(Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power)

(Power, power, power, power, power)
Oh, yeah…
(Power, power, power, power, power)

(Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power)

(Power, power, power, power, power)
(Power, power, power, power, power)

Ooh, yeah
Whoa

(Every day, every hour
Turn the pain into power)

When you’ve been fighting for it all your life
You’ve been struggling to make things right
That’s how a superhero learns to fly

The Birthday Curse

I have a birthday curse.

It started when I was a little kid and my birthday fell RIGHT after the start of school.  Everything was so crazy very often kids were not able to attend my parties…or at least that’s what I was told…

When I got older the curse got to be more pronounced, or at least in my head it did.

I remember when I turned 18.  12 of my friends planned a big party for me. Everyone was coming.  On the day of only 2 showed up.

So I’ve learned to ignore my birthday for the most part.  I tend not to plan things with other people or say much about my birthday because I’ve been conditioned to believe it will just lead to disappointment.

But even that attitude has not spared me from the curse.

About three years ago on the morning of my birthday our fridge broke.  That was exciting.  At least that year I still got cake.

One year hubby and my brother in law tried to fry me a turkey, because I LOVE me some fried turkey.  First they ran out of propane and next the propane hose sprang a leak and lit on fire.  Also the cake was a total failure.  I do however count that birthday as a win because of all the love and effort that they put in for me in the face of the curse.

This year I got a little brave, I made plans with people.

And it worked!  Mostly.

I had hot chocolate in the morning with one friend and lunch with another.  I had a wonderful time.   Then I got home.  I had plans to play games with my family.  I laid down for a few minutes after I got home and then was attacked by horrible allergies that kept me in bed for the next two days.

So I half won against the birthday curse.

Maybe next year I’ll 2/3’s win…

Do you have a day that invariably goes wrong?  Like Friday the 13th’s (which are lucky for me, by the way) or does every Halloween end in disaster? I’d love to hear about your personal curse days.

I am a believer

I am a believer in God
I am a believer in Justice
I am a believer in the fact that everyone is allowed to have their own opinion
I am a believer in agreeing to disagree no one is required to concede their point
I am a believer in people’s rights to do what they want, how they want
I am a believer in being careful with that last one, you can damage things in a way you cannot come back from
I am a believer in the fact that I know best for my kids, not someone, anyone else
I am a believer in the fact that there is your view, my view, and the truth lies somewhere in between
I am a believer in Hope
I am a believer in Dragons!
I am a believer in being “That Mom”
I am a believer in Love
I am a believer in Forgiveness
I am a believer in protecting yourself from those who hurt you
I am a believer in the power of Art and Music
I am a believer in the power of Words, and a dangerous power it is
I am a believer in Kindness
I am a believer in the virtue of taking the higher road (I almost wrote vulture there!)
I am a believer in being honest
I am a believer in knowing the difference between being honest and being a jerk
I am a believer in the fact that silence is a virtue, and one I need to work on!
I am a believer in bearing one another’s burdens
I am a believer in Trust
I am a believer in pain, and the fact that it teaches you things
I am a believer in looking at the bright side and looking for the silver lining
I am a believer in healing
I am a believer in Time and its power
I am a believer in many many things, more then I can write here

I am a believer for standing up for what you believe.

So, what do you believe in?

In between

*note: This post was started last may…:(

There are lots of in between places in life. In between starting college and finishing it. In between Monday, and the weekend.  In between jobs, in between babies, in between dishes, in between laundry being clean.

Right now, I’m in between sizes. I find it very annoying because nothing fits. Everything is too small or too big.

I think the in between places are the most uncomfortable because nothing seems quite right.  We are not yet where we want to be.

The thing about that is when we get there, it’s also another in between place.

I think I need to learn more about how to be happy with the now, with the in between, because we are always in between something and something else.

Life is Wrinkled

I’ve been learning to use gimp. I’ve been editing photos and messing around with things.  As I was working on the background of a photo that was full of wrinkles I realized it was an analogy for life.

Life is full of wrinkles.

Not only in stuff, clothes, rugs, skin, but in what happens.

Right now I’m dealing with a wrinkle.  I’m really stressed about it.  But that’s life.

Husband always says, “What are they going to do? Shoot you and eat you?”  That’s a good thought.  Even through the worst stuff it’s not life or death, most of the time.

And when it is life or death, at least in these modern times, your probably won’t be eaten.

P.S. I’ve a new blessing for all of you – “May your iron always be hot to smooth out the wrinkles in life!”

Exercise Guilt

I have guilt about exercise, but not the kind you would think.  I think all mom’s feel guilty when they spend time or money on themselves.  I know I do.

A few months back I started exercising more regularly.  I had this schedule of two yoga classes and two days running.  After just a few weeks I could really tell a difference in my health and body.  But I felt guilty.  Every time I exercised was time away from my family.  I was exercising right after I put the kids to bed, and I felt like I had to rush and not always give them what they needed.  And I lost an hour with husband as well.  I don’t like losing the time I have with him in the evening.

So I moved my exercising to the daytime.  Then Meatloaf kept getting sick from hanging out at the day care at the gym.  At least that’s what my guilt told me it was.

Then my saint of a Father-in-law said he would watch Meatloaf so I could exercise.

My guilt is less, I still have it from my Father-in-law watching him for me, but it’s better.

And I FEEL so much better.

I’m working on my guilt issues, but at least my health is better.